Through Love's Eyes Page 18

  She rolled to her side and wrapped her arm around Brit. She closed her eyes and dozed until Brit’s fingers brushed her nipple. She instantly throbbed and grew wet. She loved Brit’s touch. She’d gotten bolder the more time they’d spent naked together, and she could imagine how much more intense their lovemaking could get. If she stayed. Maybe Brit could come to New York… She dismissed the idea quickly when she envisioned Brit sitting in her Manhattan apartment while she was off to a shoot. She’d hate it. Brit was used to trees and open spaces. She was settled on the island with her work and her quiet life, but maybe a visit in the winter would work.

  She turned to her back and dragged Brit on top of her. Brit’s thigh pressed against her center and the beginning tingle of her orgasm moved through her. She squeezed Brit’s thigh between her legs to gain control, then raised her head to kiss Brit. She caressed her back and slid her hands to grip her ass while Brit squirmed above her. She let go and pushed against Brit, and they clung to each other while they rode out their climaxes together. Brit mumbled something against her shoulder.

  “Did you say something, sweetheart?”

  Brit turned her face away from her shoulder to speak. “I said this is the way to wake up in the morning.”

  “Mmm. I agree.”

  Erika watched Brit get ready for work. It was so different from what she went through for work. She put on a pair of jeans, a Grand Hotel T-shirt, and a pair of boots. She took a little more time putting makeup on her scarred face. There was no makeup artist to help, but she was expert at it. No one came to mess with her hair, to check that clothing still fit, to tell her how to smile or what to feel. She got dressed and went to work. Erika couldn’t fathom how that would feel.

  She went to the kitchen and set the table before checking on Brit’s progress. “When you’re done, come on in the kitchen.”

  Brit entered the room and a smile lit up her face. “Wow. You made omelets.”

  “And toast.” Erika held up the toasted pieces of bread like trophies.

  Brit pulled her closer. “I’ll miss you today.”

  “I’ll miss you, too. What time do you get off?”

  “At three. I’ll see you then.” She kissed her again.

  They finished breakfast and Brit turned to her before going out the door. She looked like she wanted to say something but just kissed her again and left.

  Erika went back to bed after Brit left. She hugged Brit’s pillow, inhaling her scent. She hoped for her body heat, but it was too late. Her side of the bed and her pillow were cold. She lay and stared at the ceiling longing for an easy answer. But none came.

  She took a shower and put on a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. She put her cell phone in her pocket and headed out the door. She went directly to the area where she’d been the last time she’d talked to Peter and punched in his number. She considered disconnecting the call when she got his voice mail, but remembered he was in California, probably busy with his new model. She swallowed the lump in her throat and left a message.

  “Okay, Peter. Tell Naturalé I’m available, but please get me the best contract you can. I don’t want to do this, so at least make sure I’m well compensated.” She disconnected the call and broke into tears.

  She didn’t know how far she’d walked, but she intentionally chose uphill roads. If she was going to have to take her clothes off for the camera, she didn’t want any flab. She returned to Brit’s apartment breathless. Her phone pinged before she could open the door, and she read the message, surprised that a text came through.

  Erika. Good decision. I’ll get you the best contract I can. They want you for their fall issue, so the shoots will begin next weekend. I’m sending a chartered plane to the island to pick you up tomorrow. Saturday at 11a.m. See you in New York. Peter

  Erika opened the door and fell onto the couch. Tomorrow. Her stomach clenched, and she choked back more tears. She’d have to tell Brit tonight. She checked the time. Brit would be home shortly, so she opened a box of macaroni and cheese. It was almost done when Brit opened the door.

  “I’m home.” She called from the living room.

  The sweet, simple words made Erika’s stomach drop and she closed her eyes against the storm of sadness sweeping through her. She put the food in bowls and set them on the table with spoons, then went to greet Brit. She pulled her into her arms and kissed her. “I’m glad to see you. Dinner’s on the table.”

  “I could get used to this.” Brit followed her into the kitchen. “Thanks for cooking.” She retrieved two bottles of water from the refrigerator and sat at the table. “I might smell like horses, but I’m hungry, so I hope you don’t mind.” She took a bite of her food and swallowed.

  “Didn’t you have lunch?”

  “George brought me some meatloaf. His wife is an excellent cook. But mucking out the stalls is hard work.”

  Erika shifted in her seat and took a spoonful of food, trying to look as relaxed as if she’d sat at the kitchen table and had dinner with Brit for years. “I went for a walk this morning up that steep hill toward the Grand Hotel. About how far do you think that is?”

  “It’s probably a good mile. You didn’t have any trouble with it did you?”

  “No. But it was a good workout.”

  “You’re in good shape. Oh, before I forget. I talked to Ben this morning. He told me he could always use extra help. You could work part-time in the stables and train to drive a carriage, if you wanted to.” Brit looked hopeful.

  Erika scrambled for a response as her stomach felt like it was turning inside out. She should tell her now, but it would spoil their evening. She managed to finish the food on her plate but couldn’t find any words that wouldn’t feel false. The truth hurt too much. She was too weak to say no. To quit and step away from the spotlight. She managed to look up with dry eyes.

  Brit finally filled the awkward silence. “Would you like to go into town and check out the few stores you haven’t been to yet?”

  “That sounds great. I guess you’ve figured out I love to shop.” She pushed past the cowardice knotting her stomach to paste on the smile she reserved for times she had to pretend everything was fine.

  Chapter Forty-five

  Brittany watched Erika hold up a sweatshirt and put it back, then pick up another one and put it back. She hadn’t bought anything after being in two stores, which seemed unusual based on their past shopping excursions. She wondered if Erika had already made the decision to leave, or if she was still deliberating. She could ask, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer, so she decided to enjoy whatever time she had left with Erika. She smiled and gave a thumbs up to the latest shirt she held up. Erika took it to the counter and paid for it, but she put it on instead of putting it into a bag. The evening had cooled off substantially, and they picked up their pace back to the apartment. Brittany couldn’t bring herself to talk about plans for the weekend or even the next day. Erika walked silently beside her, seemingly deep in thought. She hoped they were thoughts about how to tell Peter she was staying.

  “Wow, it got cold outside.” Erika stepped inside and wrapped her arms around her.

  Brittany kissed her and held her close. They stood by the door quietly hanging on to each other.

  “Let’s make some hot tea and cuddle under the covers,” Erika said.

  Brittany pushed her an arm’s length away. “You get the cups. I’ll start the water boiling.” They settled on the bed with their steaming mugs and sipped tea. Brittany was struck by the domesticity of the moment, and she never wanted it to end. She started to ask about Peter’s call but decided to wait until Erika was ready to talk about it. “You warm enough now?”

  “I am. There’s nothing like cuddling to warm up.” Erika set her cup on the nightstand and snuggled against her.

  Brittany finished her tea in one gulp and placed her cup on her bedside table before she enveloped Erika and stroked her hair. She noted the beat of her own
heart, knowing it would continue even if Erika left, but never again with as much happiness. She held Erika until her breathing evened, and she lay asleep in her arms.

  * * *

  She woke folded in Erika’s arms and didn’t want to move. She checked the time and reached to shut off the alarm before it went off. Erika tightened her hold, and she settled back. But she had a busy day ahead of her at work, and she hoped Erika would update her on her Naturalé Mag decision before she had to head out. She nestled deeper into the safety of Erika’s hold until she moved. “Good morning.” She slid her fingers into Erika’s hair, enjoying the feel of its silkiness. She kissed her lightly and watched her eyelids flutter open. She smiled and all thoughts of work fled.

  “Good morning.” Erika’s touch on her neck was gentle and warm. “Is it time to get up?”

  “Sorry. I’m driving the omnibus this morning. We’re beginning the busy time now, especially on weekends.”

  “I’ll scramble some eggs for us if you want to get in the shower. I need time to talk this morning.” Erika turned away and looked near to tears.

  Brittany realized she’d made her decision to leave and felt it like a splinter to her heart. “I won’t be long.” She dragged herself out of bed and trudged to the bathroom. As soon as she turned on the shower, her own tears flowed. She stepped under the spray and turned her face to allow the water to cascade over her still sensitive scarring. The discomfort wasn’t enough to dull the pain growing in her heart. She quickly finished and dried her hair to begin the process of braiding it.

  Erika was dishing the eggs on the plates when she entered the kitchen. “Just in time.” She looked up and smiled. “Your hair looks beautiful. Is that a French braid?”

  “It is. I usually wear it this way for the summer since I never know when I’ll need to drive the big carriage.” Her words were flat and she saw Erika flinch slightly.

  They sat at the table and Brittany took a bite of eggs and swallowed without tasting a thing. “So, you’ve made your decision, haven’t you?” She set her fork down and took a sip of coffee.

  “I have.” Erika looked down at her untouched breakfast. “I’m trying to figure out how to make you understand why I need to do this. It’s who I am. I’m nothing, empty, a nobody if I’m not modeling. My whole life has been about being Erika James. I don’t know who or what else to be.” She raised pleading, tear-filled eyes.

  “You’re the only one who can make the decision, Erika, but you’re still Amy Jansons to me, no matter what you call yourself. My friend, my lover. I can beg you to stay, but your happiness is as precious to me as you are, so I have no choice but to let you go if that’s what you choose.” She willed her tears not to fall by forcing her thoughts to redoing her makeup. “It’s not like I didn’t know you might go. That you’d have to, because your life is there, not here. I guess I just let myself hope…” She shrugged.

  “Oh, sweetheart, I don’t want to hurt you, I never want that, but I have to give this a try. It could lead to more offers. I just have to.” Erika covered her face with her hands.

  “You even said you never wanted to do nude photos. You said you didn’t want it to be the last thing you did. And what about us? I thought we had something special. A connection. You never even suggested I go to New York with you. Even for a visit.” She sighed, unsure what else to say. If Erika didn’t feel the same way it was probably best if she did leave. “When do you go?”

  Erika looked up and sniffled. “This morning at eleven. Peter’s sending a plane for me.”

  “So soon.” Brittany stood and moved toward the door, needing some space. “So, we don’t matter to you at all? Am I just another quickie on your way through life? You’re ready to leave and never look back? Never come back?”

  “Oh no, Brit. No. I care about you, but I have to see where this leads, and I have no idea where work may take me from one day to the next. I can’t just give up. Please don’t ask me to.”

  She was surprised when Erika rushed to her, and because she could do nothing else, she wrapped her arms around her and kissed her. “I love you,” she whispered in her ear. “Don’t ever forget that.” Then she released her and walked out the door. This time, Erika wouldn’t be waiting when she got home.

  * * *

  Brittany stopped outside the stable to collect herself before seeing George. She pasted on a smile and strode to the carriage, but it looked as if George had polished and readied it already.

  “Good morning,” he called as he appeared from around a corner.

  “Hey, George. Thanks for getting her ready for me this morning.” Brittany rested her arm on a wheel as she spoke.

  “No problem. There wasn’t much to do. You could wipe down the seats again, though. Bit dusty.” He leaned on the other wheel and narrowed his eyes. “You feeling okay? You look a little down.”

  Brittany considered it a good thing she only looked down, because she felt miserable and heartbroken. “I’m just a little tired today. I was up late.”

  George nodded and patted her hand as he walked past. “Let’s get the horses.”

  Brittany prepared one of the large draft horses and led it to the front of the carriage while George took care of the other. She made sure they were harnessed and ready to pull the coach before she wiped down the seats with disinfectant and climbed onto the driver’s seat. “See you later.” She took the reins, pushed aside her anguish, and concentrated on her job.

  She picked up the luggage and passengers from the dock and dropped them off at the hotel after offering her usual informational discourse. Everyone looked happy and excited for an adventure on Mackinac Island. She doubted she’d ever look happy again as she waved at the riders and thanked them before she led the horses back to the stable.

  She checked her watch. Almost noon. Erika would be well on her way to New York. She wished she hadn’t taken her heart with her.

  Chapter Forty-six

  Erika watched Mackinac Island get smaller through the window of the plane. The tinier it looked, the bigger the hole in her heart became. She read the safety and emergency procedure booklet several times to distract herself. Maybe she could find a magazine stand in the Chicago airport to offer Peter options. She stuffed the information sheet back where she found it, leaned her head back, and closed her eyes. It was Peter’s job to find her work. She could bring him every magazine in the world, and he’d still tell her there were no other options. She’d look anyway. It eased the turmoil roiling in her gut.

  Erika would have enjoyed the view of the water and treed landscape out the window if she hadn’t felt so lost. She went wherever and whenever the agency sent her. Brit was right. She’d told Peter when she began modeling that she wouldn’t take her clothes off, and here she was on the way to do just that. Tears welled when she thought of Brit. She’d looked so dejected and she was the cause. It was the second time in her life that she’d hurt her badly. Maybe it was time to try something for herself. She just had to figure out what that could be and how it could include Brit. If she’d even speak to her again. She thanked the pilot for a smooth trip when they landed and followed the directions to the terminal to wait for her flight to New York. The first-class passengers were called first, so she took a seat close to the front of the boarding area. She spotted a shop with magazines next to the restrooms and decided to take care of business after buying a few copies of things to flip through on the plane.

  She checked her makeup after washing her hands and was about to toss the paper towel into the bin when a woman exited one of the stalls. “Erika James? Is that you?”

  Erika turned and smiled. “Yes. I’m Erika James.”

  “I can’t believe it. You’re Erika James standing here with me.” She pulled a folded magazine and a pen out of her purse. She opened it to a page with Erika’s photo and pushed the pen and the three-year-old magazine toward her. “Please, could I have your autograph?”

  “Thank you for asking. What’s your name?”

 
; “Joleen. Gosh, you’re even more beautiful in person than in the pictures.”

  “Thank you, Joleen.” Erika inscribed her note and handed back her magazine and pen. “I appreciate you keeping that magazine all these years.”

  “I think you’re the best. You always wear my favorite designers. I think I have every magazine you’ve been in. Oh, this is so exciting. I can’t wait to tell my daughter.” Joleen continued to chatter as she left the room.

  Erika grinned. An adoring fan was just what she needed to help her move from wretched to only miserable. She made a mental note to tell Peter about Joleen and Elizabeth. People still recognized her. He had to let all the fashion magazines know.

  She returned to her seat to await her flight home. As soon as the word entered her mind, she realized within the fleeting time she’d been with Brit, she’d felt at home. She’d be going back to an empty, expensive apartment alone. Was that a home? She boarded the plane and took her seat with a heavy heart.

  * * *

  Erika plopped into her favorite chair after the porter brought in her bag. She didn’t have the energy to unpack yet, but she opened her suitcase and pulled out a Mackinac Island T-shirt and the carefully wrapped pussy willow branch. She searched her cupboards for an appropriate vase, put in the stem, and set it on the mantle of her gas fireplace. She traced a finger along its length and fought back tears at the memory of the surprise gift. She gave up the struggle and allowed them to flow when Brit’s words of love reminded her she’d walked away. Was it really love? Brit hadn’t been with anyone to fully understand her emotions, had she? Erika was a first crush, a blip on her dating radar. Now that she had more confidence, surely she’d bounce back like one did from a first crush. No matter what she told herself, it sounded an awful lot like justification.