Through Love's Eyes Read online

  Did Erika like walleye? Brittany smiled at memories of them sharing meals despite her resolve not to think of her.

  * * *

  “I’m glad you could stay with us, Brittany,” Kelly said as she set a bowl of greens on the table.

  “Thanks. You’ve done a lot to the place since I was here a few years ago. How’s Pogo doing?”

  “He’s a happy boy. I ride him every day, and he loved the attention when I rode him in the Memorial Day parade this weekend.”

  “Cool. I’m glad you were able to bring him with you. By the way, how’s Josie’s gram doing?”

  “She’s great. She loves living at the assisted living facility, and we bring her home every week for Sunday dinner. It usually means one or two of her friends come with her.” Kelly’s smile told her it was all good.

  “Ready for the main course?” Josie set a platter of hot baked chicken breasts in the middle of the table before she sat next to Kelly.

  “It looks great. Thanks for inviting us,” Barb said.

  They finished eating and relaxed on the couch and chairs in the large room. “I’m stuffed. That meal was great.” Brittany chuckled and continued. “It’s a good thing you didn’t wait for me and Barb to bring dinner.”

  Barb smiled and shook her head. “We’re going to try for walleye in the morning. Maybe we’ll have better luck.”

  Brittany watched Kelly and Josie’s body language. Josie only removed her hand from Kelly’s thigh when she gestured to speak, and Kelly took her hand and kissed it before she stood to retrieve tea for everyone. They were so clearly connected, and she concealed her sigh with a yawn when memories of Erika’s touch flooded her. “Excuse me.” She murmured. “I guess all that fishing wore me out. Thanks again for dinner. I think I’ll call it a day.” She stood and hugged everyone before going to her cabin. It was better than going back to her empty bed at home, but it was still a bed she was sleeping in alone.

  Chapter Forty-nine

  “You’re still waiting on Peter?” Erika’s friend Pat asked.

  They were people watching while seated at their favorite bistro close to Erika’s apartment. “Yeah. Timing is still up in the air.”

  Pat reached across the table and took her hand. “Are you sure this is what you want? You know there’s no going back after you pose nude.”

  “I’ve modeled in swimsuits that barely cover anything. This is just another step, right? I just hope it gives me the boost I need to get some more contracts.” Erika wrapped her hands around her coffee cup and stared into the street. She didn’t believe her own words about “just another step,” but she was conflicted. Was it really worth compromising her standards to boost her modeling career at this late stage? “It’s so hard to explain. I’m not sure I understand it myself. It’s as if there are no other choices. I can’t think of anything I’d do if I wasn’t modeling.”

  Pat sat back in her chair. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with anything to help you, but I’ll keep my eyes and ears open. I’ve been there, my friend. If you remember, I quit when I was thirty-two, and I’m still who I am. I have time now to pursue other passions in my life. I devote time to my charities, and I have a home life. Maybe it’s time to consider looking at other options.”

  What would her parents think, or say, if she no longer modeled? How would they feel about her posing nude? She drank her coffee and for the first time, allowed an inkling of what her life without modeling would be like. Pat was fine and happy, and there was no logical reason Erika wouldn’t be, too. But the only part of the scenario where she was happy included Brit. The rest was a blank. She remembered her words about volunteering at the burn unit and working at the stables with the horses. Neither of those held any appeal, not as a career change. She sighed loudly.

  “Are you all right? Honestly?” Pat asked.

  “I’m fine. It’s just that I’m floundering, and I don’t like it.”

  “Tell me if I’m wrong or overstepping boundaries, but this Naturalé Mag isn’t Vogue Italia or British Vogue. I’ve never heard of it. Did Peter check out its credentials? Who’s their readership? I guess the bigger question is does it matter to you? You’ll be the one that needs to be okay with it.”

  “Peter wouldn’t sign me up with anything pornographic. I’m sure of that. Maybe this is a new magazine featuring mainstream models. Or maybe models over thirty.” It hadn’t occurred to her to look up the magazine. She didn’t like what they were selling, so checking it out wasn’t on her radar. In retrospect, that was naïve.

  “I only know Peter through his reputation, and it’s a good one.” Pat paused and twirled her empty cup. “I told you I quit when I was thirty-two, but I never told you the whole story. Only my husband and ex-agent know about this.” She toyed with a napkin. “I’d decided to do a nude spread, too. It seemed harmless enough, and my agent told me there were no other options. Exactly what Peter is telling you.” A look of pain crossed her face. “It was awful, Erika. The guy I met at the studio nearly raped me. I was able to fight him off enough to escape, but the experience traumatized me for a long time. Maybe this Naturalé is legit, but I’d be leery if I were you. Please at least look into it. There’s no reason to go in blind.” Pat placed her hand on hers, and her eyes were glassy.

  Erika squeezed her hand and stood to hug her. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” She held her at arm’s length to hold her gaze and show her support. “Thank you for sharing it with me. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know I’ve never wanted to pose nude. Especially not for my final work. I think maybe I need to start taking some control.” She’d been with Peter from the beginning of her career, and she’d never questioned his decisions. Before now. “I guess I should get home. I’ve missed my workouts for the last few weeks. Thanks for meeting me today, and I’ll let you know what I decide.” She hugged her good-bye, trying desperately not to wish it were Brit in her arms.

  * * *

  Erika turned up the speed on her treadmill and pushed herself until she was sweating and breathing hard. She slowed her pace after twenty minutes and stopped. Her energetic workout didn’t quell her anxiety. She took a shower and poured herself a glass of wine before calling Peter.

  “Erika. Are you all right?”

  “Yes. I need to know what’s going on. Has the magazine contacted you with a schedule?”

  “Not yet. I’m planning to contact them tomorrow.”

  “What do you know about Naturalé Mag? I’ve never heard of the magazine.” Erika took a sip of wine and tried to relax.

  “It’s a fairly new magazine, similar to the old Playboy. It’s nothing pornographic if that’s what you’re worried about. I’d never expect you to do anything like that.”

  “So, it’s a reputable publication that people will read?”

  “Yes. I believe it is. It has articles and pieces on travel and all that kind of stuff.”

  “Okay, Peter. I’m getting antsy waiting, but I’m also not positive I want to do this.”

  “I understand, but like I told you, there isn’t anything else out there. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  Erika hoped his information was correct, but wasn’t sure it would make any difference.

  She had one more source for information. Her friend Jean was two years older than her and had been a top fashion model based out of California. She didn’t think she was still working, but decided to find out. She logged on to her computer and sent her an email. Then she decided to look up the magazine and decide for herself. She typed in the name and found it to be a bit racier than Peter indicated, but she wouldn’t consider it porn. Still, she flinched at the photo of the model’s backside and bare breasts, and another view from the side, her breasts lifting as she stretched toward something overhead. She hoped he’d research it carefully before he contracted with them, but even if they were reputable, she wasn’t sure she was going through with it. Pat’s advice was sound, and she wasn’t about to dismiss it as someone else’s experience.
She closed down her computer and ordered Thai food for dinner.

  She relaxed in her living room chair, turned on the TV, and remembered the evenings with Brit watching the news while cuddling on the couch. She missed her. Would she ever see her again? The thought she might not, nearly doubled her over. She couldn’t imagine never holding her again or hearing her words of love. She hesitated. Did she have words of love for Brit, and what did it mean if she did? Pat’s mention of having a home life made her wonder how much she’d missed out on. She’d finished her meal and begun to clean up when her phone rang.

  “Hello, Jean.”

  “Hey, Erika. Long time no hear. How’re things?”

  “There’re okay. Could I talk to you for a bit? I’m dealing with frustrations about my future.”

  “Ah. Aging out are we? I don’t mean to be flippant about it, but I do believe I understand.”

  “I thought you would. There are fashion models working who are over fifty, aren’t there?”

  “Yeah, but not many, and they aren’t necessarily in the big magazines. Personally, I don’t see why they do it. I’m finally settled in one place with my husband and a grandchild on the way. I wouldn’t trade my life to go back to the grind of high fashion modeling for all the money in the world.”

  Jean’s intensity surprised Erika. “I’m trying to decide if I should do a nude spread in a new magazine.”

  “Only you can make that decision. But double-check with your agent, because other models I know say that was it for them. The agencies dropped them afterward, and they got hardly any compensation for taking their clothes off. I haven’t heard of anyone who got the bump they hoped for after that kind of shoot. Just be careful.”

  “Thanks for being honest with me, Jean. I knew I could count on you to be candid. How did you manage to redefine yourself? I mean, could you see yourself doing something besides modeling?”

  “I always knew I’d have to quit one day. I modeled because I was considered model material by my agency, and I was good at it. I made a good living, and I enjoyed the spotlight, so that was enough for me. It was a job I enjoyed, but I never considered it my life forever.”

  “I guess that’s the difference between us. It seems like more than only a job to me. It’s my life. I’m going to have to figure out how to change that.” They chatted about a few friends and surface things before Erika hung up. She realized she had a lot to consider and a short time to do it. She went to her refrigerator to get her last piece of Ryba’s fudge and allowed memories of her time with Brit to flow as she tasted the sweetness. What would their lives look like if they stayed together?

  Chapter Fifty

  Brittany woke before dawn. She rolled to her side, reached for Erika, and remembered she was on Drummond Island. Erika was in New York, a million worlds away. She showered, dressed, and ate a protein bar before heading to the main lodge.

  Josie finished setting up the large coffee pot. “Morning. Did you sleep well?”

  “I did. Thank you. It’s peaceful here.”

  “Kelly’s making omelets and pancakes this morning and you’re welcome to join us. Help yourself to a cup of coffee. What time is Barb arriving?” Josie filled a coffee cup and sat at the table with her.

  Barb entered the room before she could answer. “Good morning. It looks like you’ve started without me.” She grinned and fixed herself a cup of coffee before she sat with them at the table.

  “Hey. The gang’s all here.” Kelly carried plates and silverware to the table. “Omelets for all this morning?”

  “You’re spoiling me. You don’t do this for all your guests, do you?” Brittany asked.

  “No. Just for our friends. We’re not a bed and breakfast.” Josie stood to help and pulled Kelly into her arms for a kiss before they went to retrieve the food.

  Avoiding thoughts of Erika was impossible when faced with an example of love like theirs. She’d never forget the feel of Erika’s arms around her, her gentle touch, her soft kisses, but remembering was all she had, and it had to be enough.

  Brittany and Barb left for the fishing boat after breakfast.

  The waters were perfect and they set out with no trouble. They cast their lines and hardly had a moment to talk when the fish started biting.

  “There’s a catch limit of five.” Barb smiled and netted the fish.

  “We’ve only been fishing for an hour, and I’ve just pulled in my fourth walleye. They’re hungry this morning.” Brittany was having a ball and realized she hadn’t thought of Erika more than twice since they’d been out.

  Barb looked out over the water for a long minute and turned back to her. “I’m happy you’re having fun. I like to see you smiling.”

  “I am having fun. Thanks, again for inviting me. I think getting away was exactly what I needed. Even for a day. My heart still aches, and my arms feel empty, but I’ll live.”

  “I’m glad. I think we should make this a yearly tradition.” Her rod dipped and Barb grappled for a while before she was able to reel in the biggest catch of the morning. “I guess I’ll be cleaning fish today, too.”

  They cruised along the shoreline once they’d each reached the catch limit to enjoy the quietude of the morning. The mist had dissipated and a few seagulls soared overhead. The clear water stretched ahead of them like a mirror. They glided over the calm water leaving a wake that looked like an arrow pointing the way. She remembered the days standing on the shore with Erika watching the birds and the sunset. They passed an interesting looking pine tree leaning over the water, and Barb steered the boat back toward the lodge.

  Brittany took one more look over the water before she followed Barb to the fish cleaning area. Erika would love it here, but she wasn’t so sure about the fish. She doubted she’d enjoy the cleaning part, but she wished she could find out.

  * * *

  Brittany and Barb spent the rest of the day visiting with Josie and Kelly. She nearly swooned when Josie started a fire in the fireplace. The evening was cool, not cold, but she didn’t care. She imagined huddling on the couch with Erika while they watched the flames dance. She became so caught up in her fantasy she didn’t hear Barb call her name. She flinched when Barb waved her hand in front of her face. “Hello?”

  “Sorry. Did you say something?”

  “We’re ready to go to dinner. Do you still want to go?”

  “Definitely. I was mesmerized by the beautiful fire.” She stood and stretched then followed them out to the car and hopped in the back.

  “We’re going to one of our favorites. It’s just a small family style restaurant with good food.” Josie steered her vehicle into the parking lot.

  “Tell me about Mackinac Island, Brittany. It’s been years since I’ve been there,” Kelly said after they were seated and ordered their meals.

  “The Lilac Festival is next week. It’ll be packed with people. Have you ever been to it?”

  “No, but I’d love to see it.” She looked at Josie and her smile would have melted her heart if it had been Erika. “Maybe we could plan it for next year?”

  “Maybe we can.” Josie picked up Kelly’s hand and kissed it.

  Brittany had to look away when she imagined Erika doing that to her. She swallowed before speaking. “It would be great if you came. They choose a festival queen and there are sunset cruises and food. There’s a dog and pony parade that’s a hoot. And the grand parade is awesome. When you know for sure I’ll try to take time off to show you the highlights.” She pictured herself taking them to the fort and showing them her special spot by the water. The one Erika had grown to love also. She sighed in an attempt to push away the visceral memories of the feel of her in her arms as they gazed out over the straits.

  They finished dinner and headed back to the lodge. The fireplace still glowed with warmth. Barb excused herself to go home, and Brittany hugged everyone and went to her cabin. She was tired, but a grain of happiness pushed its way past her loneliness. She regarded her reflection in the small mirror ab
ove the bathroom sink. She gently fingered her scarred cheek and wondered why she hadn’t considered it since she’d arrived. She plopped onto the bed on her back and allowed herself to feel the caring and support of her friends. They accepted her for who she was without caring about her disfigurement. It had been a good day.

  Chapter Fifty-one

  Erika considered her options as she paced herself on her treadmill after breakfast. The words of caution from her friends weren’t lost on her. She’d never wanted to take her clothes off for photos. She remembered Brit’s beautiful body and her intense reaction to her touch and smiled until the pain of loss punched her in the gut. Brit said they had something special. A connection. Tears welled as she remembered her question about being a “quickie.” Had she given her that impression? How could she ever make things right between them?

  She finished her workout and a bottle of water before she went to her computer to do more research. She logged on and searched for models over forty. Then she tried over fifty. There were some, and she knew a few, but they could be counted on both hands. Then she logged off and poured a glass of wine. Pat and Jean had a point when they told her a slower paced life gave them time for other pursuits, but she didn’t have any other pursuits. Only Brit, and she’d probably lost her. Her life’s pursuit had been her parents’ dream for her, and she admitted it had been a good life. She’d enjoyed her career, even with its pitfalls. She couldn’t imagine doing anything else, but realized the world held many options. She just had to find one.

  Erika opened the envelope she’d been waiting for since Peter told her he’d put it in the mail. It contained the one-time contract for the photo shoot and detailed instructions for what they expected as well as a map to the location. She looked up the address online. She recognized the address as where models filmed commercials, located in a decent part of Manhattan. At least it wasn’t in some gross abandoned warehouse or something. Next, she reviewed the details of the shoot. She was due at ten o’clock sharp the day after tomorrow.