Through Love's Eyes Read online

  She’d lost count of how many times she’d questioned her decision since she’d accepted the offer. She was used to designer clothes along with a hair and makeup artist. This magazine only wanted her bathed and smiling. They didn’t care what she wore because she’d be removing it anyway. They’d supply any garments deemed necessary and apparently hair and makeup weren’t an issue either.

  She sat back in her desk chair to contemplate her options. Twenty years of modeling the latest work of famous designers, walking catwalks in Paris and Milan, and in two days she might be naked before the camera. She sighed. Much had changed over the course of twenty years. The fledgling internet had expanded to extend around the world. The published magazines had existed only on racks or delivered to subscribers. Now she could count on any photos to be posted online almost immediately after they were taken.

  She sighed again. What was Brit doing? Would she ever want to see her again? Her pulse jumped remembering her naked in bed next to her, under her, on top of her.

  She called Peter to let him know she received the contract.

  “Thanks for letting me know. You should be all set then.” He sounded distracted, barely listening.

  “Is this it for me, Peter?” She had to know, and it was time to ask the questions.

  “What’d you mean?”

  “I mean, is this nude spread the end for me? For us?”

  He hesitated and gave a deep sigh. “If you mean with the agency, I believe so. There’s just nothing else out there for you. I’m sorry, Erika. I thought it might give you one last chance, but if I’m honest…I think it would be your final shoot.” Peter sounded genuinely regretful.

  Erika paused and took a deep breath before speaking. Her next words would change the course of her life. “Okay. If that’s the case, I’m out. I’m done, Peter. Just tear up the contract for this. I won’t be there, and I’ll mail my request for release from my contract to you tonight. I’m officially retired!” Erika froze when she realized what she’d said. Did she mean it or was she upset and scared? An unexpected feeling of relief emerged.

  “Whatever you decide, Erika. We’ve had a good run, you and I. I’ve enjoyed working with you. You’ll always be special to me, and I hope we can get together and have lunch when I’m in town.” He sounded relieved and maybe a little bit saddened by her decision.

  “Thanks, Peter. Lunch sounds good. Take care of yourself, and I’ll keep in touch.” Erika hung up and swiveled in her desk chair. The sense of anticipation took her by surprise. It was a pleasant feeling, and she worked to hang on to it before the fear of the unknown began to creep in. A new concept washed over her as she basked in her new feelings. She could decide what she did now. Her life had never been her own. From the time she was a child her life and future had been planned by her parents. Once she signed with the modeling agency, they took control and sent her all over the world for different magazines. She’d never known a life that was wholly hers to control, and she had no idea where to start. But the decision was made, and the next years would be completely her own.

  She needed to tell her parents. Her heart pounded in her chest at the realization she had to tell them everything they’d expected of her was over. She hesitated before picking up the phone. Her parents loved her and always wanted the best for her. She knew that in her heart, and she’d appreciated their help and encouragement throughout the years. But she’d become a successful top fashion model because of her own hard work. She was the one posing for the cameras and traveling the world. They’d be proud of her even if she retired. With that thought at the forefront, she picked up her phone.

  * * *

  Erika went to her computer to book a flight to Arizona. She hadn’t given her mother any details other than she had some news to share and wanted to know the best time to come for a visit. She reserved a flight and considered her next step. This was a conversation she wanted to have in person. She missed Brit terribly but hesitated to call. She’d never had the opportunity to think of her future in her own hands, so she sat for a moment to absorb the new sense of freedom before she punched in her number. Brit’s voice mail answered, and she left a message.

  “Hi, Brit. It’s Erika. I have a new development in my life, and I’d like to see you. I miss you, and I want us to talk. Please let me know if you’re willing.” She disconnected the call and cringed at her choice of words, but she had to make the call before she lost her nerve. Now she’d wait. She made herself a cup of coffee and realized she needed food. She made a sandwich and remembered the meals she and Brit had shared.

  Chapter Fifty-two

  Brittany looked at the small clock on the bedside table, surprised that for the second night in a row, she’d slept through the night. At least thoughts of Erika weren’t keeping her up anymore. She hoped it would last once she got home. She put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and went to the kitchen. She found a small coffeepot in a cupboard and a few flat coffee-filled filters. Josie probably had a pot brewing in the lodge, but she wasn’t ready to interact with them yet. She needed some quiet alone time. She slipped on a sweatshirt and sat on the porch. The birds flitted along the railing and chirped their displeasure at her intrusion into their domain. She rocked in the porch rocker, sipped her coffee, and enjoyed the morning serenity. Erika would love it here. She began making plans to bring her for a vacation until the reality of her life crept in like a thief stealing her happiness. She hoped Erika had found what she was chasing. She doubted their lives would ever intersect again unless she made it happen. But Brittany wasn’t enough for her. Her love wasn’t enough to entice her to stay, but it was the most she had to offer. It was everything. She finished her coffee determined to deny the threatening tears. She went in to shower and get ready to join her friends.

  Josie had the fireplace ablaze to chase away the morning chill when Brittany entered the lodge, and she relaxed in the cozy warmth. “Good morning. That fire feels great,” she said.

  “I thought it might be nice for your last morning with us.” Josie poked the fire before joining her at the coffee pot.

  “It is.” Brittany settled into one of the chairs facing the fire.

  Josie sat across from her and put her feet up on the coffee table. “Barb mentioned you were going through a rough time. She didn’t disclose any details, but I wanted to let you know I’m here if you want to talk.” She held her cup in both hands and gazed at the fire.

  “Thanks, Josie. I find myself in love with someone who lives in New York.” Brittany surprised herself by talking about Erika but it was a relief to tell someone. “We had a wonderful few weeks together and then she left me.”

  “That’s hard. When Kelly and I got together, she had a house to sell and a horse to move, but we worked it out.”

  “I don’t think Erika wants to work anything out. She left to try to continue her life as a model. That wouldn’t work on Mackinac Island.” Brittany drank her coffee and watched the flames consume the logs. It reminded her of the pain consuming her heart.

  “Career and love. That can be a tough balance. But life has a way of working things out to bring healing. You’re always welcome here, Brittany. Just give us a call.” Josie stood and opened her arms for a hug.

  Brittany held back tears when she stepped into her arms. She’d spent years after her accident withdrawn and alone. Friends were few, so the comfort and warmth of her friendly embrace touched her deeply. Erika was right. She’d closed herself off, lived in the shadows. How much had she missed by thinking people wouldn’t accept her, that they’d all be cruel? She allowed her tears to flow but managed to refrain from blubbering. She sniffled and stepped back. “Thank you for being my friend.”

  * * *

  “Good morning, everyone.” Barb entered the lodge carrying two large bags. “I brought muffins and scones.” She set the bags on a table and Josie went to get plates and napkins. She returned with Kelly, who carried a plate overflowing with grilled Canadian bacon.

  “That looks
great,” Brittany said.

  “Help yourself.” Kelly positioned the food in the center of the table and they sat to eat.

  Brittany soaked in the positive feeling of sharing a meal with friends. They asked for nothing but offered all they had. She looked forward to a time she could reciprocate the hospitality and ached to share it with Erika.

  Brittany sat back and sipped her coffee. She checked her watch and wished she had more time to spend with her friends. The two-and-a-half-hour drive loomed ahead of her and it was already noon. They’d been talking, laughing, and eating for hours, and she wouldn’t have changed it for the world. She finished her coffee. “I suppose I should get going.”

  “We’ll miss you. Make sure you come back soon,” Josie said.

  “Thanks for everything. I had a ball.”

  They took turns hugging her good-bye, and she went to her cabin to pack. This had been a good idea, and getting away had helped, at least a little bit. Now she had to think about what she wanted the next step in her life to look like. She’d hoped to have time with Erika to perhaps share more time together, if not their futures. She pushed that thought aside. Even if Erika wanted to be with her, she was probably projecting her feelings on to her. A one-sided relationship would be unbalanced. She grabbed her suitcase and went to her car.

  * * *

  Brittany watched the wake of the ferryboat as it glided toward Mackinac Island. She smiled, remembering the fishing and the camaraderie of her last few days. She liked having positive memories to refer to when she was having a bad day, and most days would be bad for a while unless Erika came back. She picked up her suitcase and bag with George’s walleye, exited the boat, and headed home.

  Loneliness washed over her as she entered the empty apartment. As wonderful as it was to spend time with friends, it almost made coming home to an empty place unbearable. No friends meant no one to miss. No one to love meant no one to hurt you. That’s how she’d spent years thinking, and it was time to approach life in a new way.

  She unpacked and turned on the TV for the evening news and to disturb the quiet. She opened a bottle of water and made a grilled cheese sandwich. What was Erika having for dinner? Had she posed for that nude magazine yet? Was she even still in the United States? All the Erika thoughts were driving her crazy. She checked the time and decided to take a walk to the library. Surely, she could find something to read that would take her mind off her. She grabbed her phone and locked her door behind her.

  She started down the same street she and Erika had taken to the fort, so she turned and went the long way. She passed a bench she remembered they’d sat on when they were on a walk. She backtracked to cut through a grassy area until she noticed the tree Erika had pointed out to her as being one of her favorites. She stopped and realized Erika was everywhere. On the island, on her mind, and in her heart. She trudged back to her empty apartment.

  She looked at her phone and remembered she’d turned it off to save the battery. She turned it on, set it on her dresser, and plugged it in before heading to take a shower.

  Chapter Fifty-three

  “Are you all right, Ms. James?” Henry reached for Erika as she stumbled into the foyer.

  “Yes. Thank you, Henry. I had to get out for a walk and ended up going much farther than I’d planned.” She’d intended to walk around the block to clear her head and find some direction for her life, but had picked up her pace when she kept drawing a blank, and she realized she’d have to figure it out without divine intervention. She’d walked miles and was exhausted from the New York heat already seeping through the city. She checked her phone for word from Brit when she got to her apartment. She’d probably deleted her message without reading it. She couldn’t blame her if she did, but it still hurt. Could she ever generate healing between them? She poured herself a glass of wine and went to take a shower.

  She stood under the spray until the hot water ran cool. She stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in her thick terrycloth robe. She turned on the TV for a distraction, but couldn’t concentrate, so she shut it off. She poured the wine from her glass into the sink and made herself a cup of tea. She sat back in her chair and began to feel more settled. She’d spent twenty years either posing for cameras or preparing to, and always had another shoot waiting for her. She’d traveled the world and now she was sitting in her apartment, alone, with nowhere she had to be. How did other people change directions for their lives? Most had families and had other interests than the work they’d been doing their whole lives. There was no need to panic. She was financially secure. She could figure out something. She just had to give herself time. She decided to go to bed early and figure out what her next step would be in the morning.

  She gave up trying to sleep and decided to see what was happening on Mackinac Island. She typed in her search engine, and pictures of the Lilac Festival filled her screen. Photos of the horse drawn carriage reminded her of Brit, and she began to cry so hard the computer screen blurred. She’d given her up for her work, and she had to live with that. She managed to shut down her computer and crawl back into bed but continued to sob herself to sleep.

  * * *

  Erika woke to the sunrise through her bedroom window edging away the darkness of night. She lay on her back staring at the ceiling as memories of the previous day’s events cascaded through her mind. She took several deep settling breaths before she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Pat had said she was still who she was even after she retired, and she was still, and always would be, Erika James, supermodel. She could do promotional events and whatever else she decided. She was home and safe and had time to figure out the rest of her life and what she’d tell her parents. She put on her robe and slippers and went to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. She opened the blinds in the living room and enjoyed the view that had enticed her to settle in this building. She watched her area of the city begin their day as a few taxis and limos passed on the street below, and pedestrians rushed toward their morning routines. She checked her phone for a message from Brit, but its blank stare indicated it might be too late for them. She might have walked away from the best thing in her life. Brit’s love.

  She poured herself a bowl of cereal and turned on the morning news. Her life was upside down and her future unclear, but the world still revolved around the sun and politics still ruled the headlines. She finished eating and drank her coffee. She considered the day she’d left for Mackinac Island. She’d been complaining about only having a week off, and now she had the rest of her life off. She had enough money in the bank to be comfortable for the rest of her life. She had this Manhattan apartment. She had friends and parents who loved her. The only thing missing was Brit. How could she fix that?

  Chapter Fifty-four

  Brittany listened to her voice mail for the fifth time. She couldn’t decide if it really was Erika or her imagination playing tricks on her. She wanted to see her, there was no question of that. She didn’t know what new development in my life meant, but she focused on her final words. I miss you.

  She debated responding at once or letting Erika wait. She realized the immaturity of that and acknowledged the underlying anger at her for leaving. She decided on a text to give herself time to find words to say to her.

  Hi, Erika. I miss you, too. I’m busy with the Lilac Festival this week, but it doesn’t matter. There’s still time for us to go together…

  Brit

  She didn’t want to sound desperate, but she wanted Erika back in her life. She wanted to find out if her feelings of connection were way off base or if Erika felt something, too. She regretted her angry words when Erika had left, but her hurt had pushed her to lash out. To make her hurt as much as she did. She knew she was naive about relationships and that it took more than just words of love to make them work. Maybe their reunion would bring love. If not, she wouldn’t be worse off than she was.

  She put her phone in her pocket, finished her sandwich, and headed back to the barn to get
ready for the afternoon rush of visitors. She polished the small carriage and helped George ready the omnibus for his trip to the dock. She checked her phone for messages before she went to clean stalls. She worked for a couple of hours and finished brushing the horses for the smaller carriage, then checked her phone again.

  She finished cleaning the last stall and fed and watered the horses, then swept out the barn before she checked her phone again. She ran out of things to do before George returned so she went to talk to Buddy.

  “Hey, boy. Guess what? I got a message from Erika. She might be coming back. She said she misses me.” She watched him ignore her and slowly munch his hay. She checked her phone and filled his grain bucket, then went to wait for George.

  She sat at one of the benches and pulled her phone out of her pocket. She set it next to her on the bench while she cleaned and polished one of the harnesses. She finished just as George pulled in with the omnibus.

  “Hi, George. How’s everything at the dock?”

  “It’s all good. Pretty busy, that’s for sure.” He hopped off the carriage and began to unhitch the horses.

  “I’ll help with that.” Brittany finished with one horse while George took care of the other.

  “Thanks. You expecting a call?”

  “Maybe, why?”

  “You were looking at your phone when I pulled in and you’ve checked it twice since.” He grinned.

  “Amy…ah…Erika called me earlier, so I’m waiting for another call from her.”

  “I’m glad she called. You looked chipper this afternoon.”

  “Chipper?”

  “Yeah. I was getting worried about you. You’ve looked so down since she left.” He hauled one of the harnesses to the tack room.